The Circle of Friends' Award

"A friend loves at all times." Proverbs 17:17

Thanks Andrea at Arise 2 Write for bestowing the Circle of Friends Award on her readers. Sorry this came so late ;P. Been busy ;D Andrea is an incredibly, most wonderful woman who has her heart overflowing with love and thankfulness that will just spill over to you.. I love visiting her and feeling the assurance of God's love through the Scriptures she shares so lovingly daily.

5 things i love to do

1. doing nothing

2. swimming

3. photographing nature and home designs

4. gardening

5. travelling

I am passing this award to each of you, because indeed you have become my wonderful Circle Of Friends!

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Thanks Susan Deborah at Meanderings and Reflections. Susan is a wonderful, sweet and supportive friend. I really would write pages more but i could hardly keep my eyes open for now. If you have never visited Susan's blog, be sure you make a stop for her, ok!


Seven things about myself that nobody knows.

1. I can’t date any male simply because he has a pulse or that I am bored out of my wits on a Saturday evening. I have to like him back, a lot first. So far, the males i would have considered going out with but can’t regrettably because, they were either married, gay or dead. (Not intended to offend-whether the living or the dead.)

2. I was a Flight Attendant before I became Mrs G. About the same time after I got fired from my very short career attempt as a singer. (see link Tag game by Vanilla)

3. I hate pepper in my food.

4. What interests me? Too much. From kitchen wares to blues’ pentatonic scales.. I like designing buildings to forensic studies. Sometimes i believe i have chosen the wrong tertiary path. Sometimes i wish everyone should start tertiary studies at 10 instead of 20 so that everyone will know more than just one field and then decides which suits them best.

5. I think of quitting almost every single time after I'd posted something. Is this common to you too?? Maybe I bore myself to tears most of the time and I just can’t bear reading my own blog! But I find myself returning to it time after time like a bad lingering affair.


6. I always imagine that I am a fish whenever I am swimming. It relaxes me. Feeling one with the element of water adds to the pleasure of the activity. (Until one of my sons would inevitably always jump in and invade into my pleasurable zone by convincing me that they are really sharks. :(


7. I have grown to love many of you out here on Bloggerland.. for you were the one thing that is constant when everything in my world has collapsed and changed.



What d’ya know? It’s 2010! Certainly a big bang from here. Some stunning fireworks display were seen lighting up the skies to herald in the New Year and i could see them from my window where i am typing this post entry.

Have a great and fabulous a** kicking start of a fantastic year, everyone !

Be safe, be warm and sweet kisses, everyone ;) & yes, always listen to your mother and Stay out of trouble !!!


Affectionately,

Silver


* PS ;D Monkey Man and Daniel was kind enough to leave me a comment demanding for 2 more reveal as it was still short of the required 7. oops ;P

I will be adding on 6 & 7 and apologize to friends who had dropped by earlier. ;P

There are only two lasting bequests we can hope to give our children. One is roots; the other, wings.

~Hodding Carter


I have been searching for happiness for a long time now. No wonder I couldn’t find it. For it very often happens only when you were least expecting it. It sneaks up on you, it doesn’t come on loud from the front door but though a door you didn’t even know you left open. As Don Marquis observed, Happiness is the interval between periods of unhappiness.


Today I see it in the eyes and smiles of my child when I was apologizing to him for having being hard on him. He made me feel somewhat like a child when he looked back at me with so much love in his eyes when I had admitted how inadequate I often feel as his only parent left to make all the big decisions now.


I fear making mistakes and fear failing in my duty in protecting them from all possible harm, storm and weather. I want to give them the best that I can and take all the knocks and falls for them, if only I can.


Achievement is when my child still thinks the world of me even after I have felt like a complete jerk or a much hated control freak and failure at the end of the day. They inspire me, challenge me and keep me on. The truth is that they have saved me from being self destructive. I am grateful that they have been incredibly patient with me. The things I know are little compared to the truths in what their actions have often taught me.


I could hold, protect and keep them close in my arms when they were little. But soon, I will have to set them free. And that, scares me.



*Edward is my firstborn and is extremely musically inclined. He is 18 yrs old now. Edwin is my second and often tries to act like the big man of the house. He is a most respectable young gentleman of 13 years of age.



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TOMOROW IS ONLY A DAY AWAY

'Twas the night before Christmas..

And the Grinch, with his Grinch-feet ice cold in the snow, stood puzzling and puzzling, how could it be so? It came without ribbons. It came without tags. It came without packages, boxes or bags. And he puzzled and puzzled 'till his puzzler was sore. Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn't before. What if Christmas, he thought, doesn't come from a store? What if Christmas, perhaps, means a little bit more?

~Dr. Seuss


I may have to learn the true meaning and Spirit of Christmas from him. That's why i am spending my Christmas in Mount Crumpit. This foul tempered green hairy Grinch who once hated Christmas may just be able to convince me why it really isn't so bad.

My thoughts for all, especially for those who misses their departed loved ones during this time.

Found these tips helpful to beat the holiday blues from this link and also this which suggested that one should find ways in coping or just some ideas how to make the day memorable. Read poems that he loved. Walk along her favorite beach. Plant flowers or a tree in his name. Make a donation to a charitable cause in hers. And yes, cry a bit, but also smile at the memories of what you had together. People live on in the memories and deeds of others, so make the day one that celebrates their lives.

Sweet Hugs !

Spa Therapies for Relaxation.

Where I come from, there are no four seasons. It’s Summer all year round, fairly hot and humid and subject to monsoon rains. It sits on the Equatorial zone guaranteeing a classic tropical climate suitable for a beach holiday any time of the year.





One of our favorite family weekend getaway used to be the choice of the many island resorts which promises us an escape and a life away from the busy city and modern stresses for the weekend so we could get in touch with absolute relaxation of our body, mind and soul once again, where time stands still and there is no rush here.





Most spas are tucked away in resorts, nestled in lush rainforests or overlooking the sea shore. Spa therapies often include massages, exotic milk and flora baths to soothing and revitalizing holistic wellness in each session treatment. It is pampering and soothing as you allow your trained masseuse to sink her fingers into your flesh, kneading away ailments while realigning your spine and even repositioning your organs during the treatment.


It is a totally relaxing and energising experience with unparalleled opportunity to relax and rejuvenate with traditional royal treatments and wellness in a holistic fashion.





May your own worries and cares melt away as you allow your own negative energies to dissipate today. I bring to you a little piece of Paradise from where I come from. May you escape into a sense of well being and experience wellness too, dear ones.





Affectionately,

Silver


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Learning to breathe..

Give your stress wings and let it fly away.

~Carin Hartness

I LOVE SO DEEPLY THAT IT HURTS

Here I am trying to live, or rather, I am trying to teach the death within me how to live.

~Jean Cocteau


Have you had days when you didn’t want to get out of bed in the morning? Have there been days you just couldn’t bring yourself to look at the ever growing list of things that a living person just has to get to?

The holiday season of festivities, of Christmas, New Years, Valentines, Birthdays and Anniversaries are not a particularly favorite time with me. I squander most of such days by sleeping it away.

I dread being invited to gatherings where happy people congregate because I didn’t want to feel like I have to work extra hard to “blend in” so as not to ruin it for others or made to feel like I am a kill joy or a social misfit for others if I don’t.

I attended a local Community Grief Talk several weeks ago where people who have lost loved ones came because they realised they needed some help out of their own loss and grief. Some spoke of losing their children, some of spouses, and in all of these faces, etched a very deep pain that had scarred the heart for good that only another one of us will really understand.

If I had not felt a pain to such a degree as I had, I would not have understood more than what I need to know. I would have shrugged or turned off when the same topic is being raised again by the same person. I would have thought that such persons are merely attention seekers and I should not encourage it.

I did speak with one or two couples just briefly during the coffee break and just like them, I understood that none of us were really in any mode for a social chat. And the silent understanding, smiles, nods and courtesies suffices in putting us all in a very comfortable place of our own. It was as though each of us were living in an independent bubble of our own and we were all floating about day after day until the time is ready for us to break out from it and land our feet back on the ground once again.

It does get better, you know. I can never imagine the progress that I have made than when I was in the first year. I am entering into my 23rd month now and I think it’s a little like, as though someone had gone through a really bad accident, although survived but had all the permanent scars to remind them of that event over and over again.

You will never be the same. It is not possible to go through it and still not change anything. I still cry. I still feel pain in my chest every morning when i wake up and feel a lost void space when i chanced upon something beautiful throughout the day and realised that i could not share it with him.

I have cleaned out the Sick Room recently. When before, even breathing was painful to me. An exercise that dramatically rid the memories of the suffering which my beloved husband has to endure with Cancer seemed to loosen its grip on me. It allowed me to breathe a little easier and even managed to want to do something fun with the children or to be in the company of other adults on some days and actually enjoyed it afterwards.

I am still not able to clear out his clothes, his personal favorite items especially if those were the items he had used them daily before. I still have yet to lose the toothbrush.

I learnt that these are called the ‘linking objects’. As long as one has them, you will always be linked to the memories of the departed. Even this house which he had built for us. It's like a Memorial shrine to me. Should i just fanatically wipe out every memory of him in order to be free? So what if I want to carry a part of him forever in me? I am made better only because my life has crossed path with his and I don’t ever want to forget him. Even if i should move out of this house, i doubt that holds the key to finding the secret elizir to cure the deep yearnings for someone whom you had and still love more than life itself.

I am learning how to live again. I am learning to look at a beautiful bloom and not feel the hurt cutting deep into me. I am learning to think that maybe it’s really okay if I do something today and actually enjoy it without feeling guilty about it.

I am working on drawing a personal checklist of things or places I want to see or do and I am hoping that you are starting one of your own too. ;)

I wish everyone a sweet holiday blessing, of healing, with much love and light, of warm fuzzy bear hugs and lovely kisses to all…..!

Be safe, be warm and be well always,

Silver

'Your today, My tomorrow'.

Steve of Another Sober Alcoholic surprised me with a beautiful poem and linked it to me two days ago. He's the kind of guy you will hope to bump into when you are in Starbucks or any of these Coffee places or want to draw him beautiful artwork and send it to him. He's the kind of friend you'll warm up to even if that's the only first 5 minutes you'd just met. So i would love it if you could pop over and say hi for me when you get there, ok? (thanks a million! ;)


He wrote, "Since you live on the other side of the globe from me, my 'today' is always your 'tomorrow'..........."

Thanks, Steve. Sorry i really do suck at poetry and i can't draw without ever scaring myself, or i would have sent one right back.. ;)Besos with Love!



'GRIEF'
by Steve E

I know a place
Where tomorrow always is
I see white curtains lace
Blowing in sweet breezes
Of tomorrow...today!

When in this my place
The sun daily at last sets
Forever at the same time
Your sun rises there
Because it is tomorrow

Always and forever
Tomorrow is there
Yesterday is never
And now I know why
God made it that way

Just so you might cry
Tomorrow, not today

So smile through tears
Of joy and tender love.
For what's been all those years
Will be--is--even more, above
In heaven's perfect place
Today...and tomorrow

New moon, full moon,
A sliver of Silver Moon
A life here is beginning to stir
And from that rebirth soon
Will gush forth loving loveliness
From yesterday--in tomorrow

Writings of exquisiteness
Find themselves unleashed
Upon a world of cyberness.
Today's reminiscence--
Tomorrow's unchained thoughts

Fill us with your beautiful inner self
Empty all which blocks the sunshine
Which he continues to send
In complete total love...
your Ben,
Today, tomorrow
Forever.


--Steve E
November 30, 2009 9:38 AM

ABOUT SUICIDE..

“When someone you love dies, you don't lose them all at once. You lose them in pieces over time, like how the mail stops coming.”

~ Simon Birch


The Sick Room Part 2


Only after 22 months later, i got the help from my two sons and finally went in and pulled out the walking stick, the wheel chair, cleared up the cabinet drawers of all the (expired) medicines, syringes, gloves, adult diapers...... and converted it into a nice cosy little Guest Room that also doubles up as an extra TV Room for the boys or their friends.


I had this room closed for most of the time. Some days i leave it ajar slightly. I am not sure what i'd really wanted to achieve by doing that, perhaps hoping that i may catch a glimpse of him again from the small opening, suffice even if it was possible only through a figment of my imagination.





I enter quietly into this room, often sat in the same corner in the darkness on nights when i had missed him so much, so much. The yearnings were intense, so intense that the prospect of escape via suicide often dances in seduction before me.


I am not sure which was the reason that had stopped me from executing the plan because it really wasn't that hard. Was it the fear of God or just plain sense rationale?


Fear of God because after spending months surfing and exhausting pages for keywords relating to like death, dying, heaven, hell, suicide, Near Death Experience(NDE)..... i must have read thousands of articles by now, of stories and testimonies that i am convinced that the result of the only place one will wake up after committing this act of suicide never varied throughout.


In a world where variety, dazzling options and choices are often put to us everyday and yet, for such an act, only ONE gloomy place awaits. There isn't another halfway house or better option housing plan once you get there. It is a one plain, give it to you straight, "Hell". "Hades" in Greek, or "Sheol' in Hebrew which is often used to as a poetic metaphor for a place for the dead, or some studies say, not place but simply means death. And it is not a pretty place.


I read of eternal fires licking out at those who are there. It is a place of pitch black darkness, of fire only creating shadows but not light, of sulphur, stink of rotting flesh permeating the air, of worms or maggots that won't die nor scorched by heat, non ending torment and doom that send terrifying screams from the deep belly of the earth where gnashing of the teeth are reserved for those who are condemned to live there. And there is just one long way down into the pit with no way out, for eternity.


And Ben.. and my mom.. isn't there. They, along with all who have been called 'Home' are with God because they have accepted His gift of Salvation. They are in an eternal place where i long to be because it is a place of LOVE where light blinds out every hurt, pain, fear, unforgiveness, disappointment, tear, sorrow, sadness and suffering. It is also true that only Overcomers will enter into this final resting place, a world so beautiful, it is beyond human comprehension or description.


So my rationale is, If i kill myself right now because i really wanted and (needed to) be with Ben only to find myself in a different world altogether from him for eternity, now that would be a grave mistake, wouldn't it?


Nevertheless i still went about to set many things in order as if i was preparing to make the transition for my children as painless as possible if i were not there one day when they wake up.


But day after day, i wake up. I hear the birds singing outside my window when i open my eyes, i see the sun returning home in the evenings. I tell the Lord, "I am ready when You are.. " but i still wake to yet another day and then another.


It feels void, parched for miles and miles away on a wide, free expanse of space. Like the earth and heavens just meet each other out on the horizon and you can't tear them apart. You walk on shifting sand so you never quite know how to retrace your own when the day is over.. You just merely exist. It is a sad meaningless existence and i am in it.


I think i pretty much died the day when Ben died. It was as though Someone had put a full stop in the middle of my book that still had many more chapters left going.


I became more grateful and appreciative of the handful of people left for whom i could call my friends today. All these while, the friends or family relations whom i liberally call mine were actually Ben's friends or relations. Now i realized that's not the same thing.


I am writing because i am journaling my own journey of losing someone i love very, very much. I sometimes feel like i need to apologize to all who have to listen to my heart speak aloud. And i thought, maybe i should write about something fun, something everyone will take to easily, something superficial. Then i thought again, 'No. i will write what my heart wants to write in its own time. If it chooses superficial, then, i would want my heart to feel the pleasure, writing superficial.'


I will continue to write and express my heart for as long as it needs. If you have lost someone and find a spot in which you find familiar, know that it makes another one of us in this great number. I hope that my boldness does not offend anyone as it is never intended to be so.


NitWit1 (she's far from it, you can tell from her humour) of Coward's Corner said in her comment of my last post that "So much of your grief journey parallels my Father's when Mother died, although there are decades of age difference between you and him.."


That i think is because grief is what happens to your soul. It knows not age. There is a universal pain that one can always put a finger in it to say, "I know that one too even though the details of our stories may vary." And we have yet found another gift of humanity. Compassion. And that's when we shed a tear for a stranger when we learn of their own loss.



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'Grief is what happens to your soul. It knows not age.' ~felicia lam

The Sick Room

Part 1


During my short hiatus from blogging, i forced myself to get up to clean out the sick room. It was originally planned as the Gym Room as it opens up to a lovely green garden view. I remember telling Ben when we first planned in the drawing of the house that one of the sports equipment i would like to have in it would be a mean looking Punching Bag! It is going to be a great stress buster, for sure!

Unfortunately we never did get one as he became sick not long after we had moved in to our new home. After Ben's first Chemo, he asked to go shopping. That was new because i thought that line belonged to me.

I used to joke to my friends that when we go shopping, i'll shop till he drops ;) But he always refute and say, "That's not true. You hardly spend. Besides you make me happy when you do." Now how do you beat that one?

On that note, i remember reading a marriage quote that went something like this, "We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops." Also another one, "Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did. "

So shopping off we went. He got himself a Beatles' look alike hair piece so that he could put it on when we go out when his hair would start to fall out in the weeks that followed after the Chemo and Radiation treatments. Next we headed to a Fitness Store and he ordered for a threadmill which cost around US$1500 that took almost a quarter of the floor space of the Gym room (as it wasn't a particularly large room.) Even though i knew it wasn't that good an idea at that time, i remained supportive and let him proceeded with the purchase.

I know that when you get something that takes up that much floorspace, it'd better be something you will use it well everyday like a bed or a family Sofa or even an extra long dining table because it is necessary. But a threadmill, ok maybe- but immediately after Chemo?

I understood why he wanted it even though he never said it. We both knew he would be too weak for anything too rigorous in the weeks or even months ahead. So we could wait to get this. But I also understood that he needed to be encouraged and needed something he could look forward to be motivated to fight this desease and to able to use it when he gets well again.

Then of course, he planned to buy himself a Mercedes-Benz next and planning on taking me to Europe for a vacation after the sixth Chemo and to make a special stopover to see his beloved Research Professor and his family in Sheffield, UK.

He was mostly weak after his second Chemo, had a few rounds of Septicimea but fought it through one by one only to find that there were going to be more procedures awaiting him when he woke up to a failing organ one after another. If it wasn't this, it was another thing.

Only bad news and bad news all the time. That was happening over a stretch of time until nothing ever surprises or shocks me anymore. I was in a mindset where, "If you have something you have to tell me, just say it. Just bring it on, neat. Don't waste anymore of my time unless it is absolutely necessary because i really rather be going back in there and stay by my husband who needs my warmth beside him than trying to process too much because you were trying to cushion the impact for me." On days where i'd actually received some pleasant news, i thought to myself, "This sounds so strange."

Ben hated staying in the hospital and loved the comfort of home. But as he got too weak to climb to our room upstairs, we converted this room to be the Sick Room. I stayed with him there and during all those months, i think i hardly slept at all.



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FANTASY

I feel so pathetic and ashamed. And then, it became funny afterwards.

I had the closest encounter with my dentist when I went in for my annual dental health check with my boys today. It has been like so long since someone had felt my face. (He was wearing rubber gloves, hey, I don’t care.) I have never seen how he had really looked like since he was always donned in a half-faced mask during all of my annual visits over the years.

While in the dentist chair, I felt a momentary rush of adrenaline when he bent closer to my face in order to examine the more hidden parts of my cavities. In the blinding light just above him, I couldn’t see his face except that it was a real person, a male who had been extremely gentle, had a calm and confident composure, soft spoken with a kind soothing voice.. and with an encounter as close as this, it felt like, a moment’s fantasy for me.

Ok. This is as far as it gets.

Just as I was about to get to the door, he said to me, “Hey, See you next year!” I turned my head towards him with my hand already on the door knob and ready to step out, gave him a polite nod and flashed my usual smile and said, “Ok! Next year!”

In that moment of a one liner reply and reciprocal smile(maybe he had smiling eyes)- it felt like a train of fantasy was about to unleash again. Like those abrupt tech screech sounds they make when you try to halt something moving at such high speed.. that was what it was for me. I had to get a hold on myself! God! Longest 30 seconds of my life.

Phew, am I glad he had no idea what just went through my mind only a few minutes ago!



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A New Awakening

And Instead of asking “what do I want from life?,” a more powerful question is, “what does life want from me?”

~Eckhart Toole



Every word that is used to describe my emotions seemed to slip off as if it's on the assembly line waiting for the hit of a button that says, "Dump".

Grief is not the time for restraint..

Have you ever observed the skies? If someone were to ask me to describe grief, i will invariably tell that person to just gaze into the heavens. In glorious brilliant colors and strokes which God had lovingly brushed across the majestic canvas expressed in the skies, how oftentimes have i had to catch my breath at the unspeakable beauty and wonder in both the silent darkness and the glaze of light of God's paintings.

Nature is the continuing evidence of God's infinite love and Omnipresence. Sometimes i get to catch a spectacular ray of light beaming from among the clouds downward into the hills, and that's like receiving a love letter from God Himself.

beautiful work by katman link

It seems to say " My Child... I am here to remind you once again that I am sending you so much love, grace, happiness, peace and wonderful surprises in the packages.. and if you look close enough, you will even spot the one with the word HOPE written on one of them too." Even the smell of rain will serve to remind me that i am never barren without his hugs as i have always been held so closely to his bosom for i am connected to Him in only a prayer away.

I am going to hang up my favorite tool for a while.. but i will come back for it when i am feeling up to it again. I am just feeling so bored writing. So, there is always going to be a touch of melancholy in my world but so will there be better and brighter days ahead. It is my past that shapes and illuminate my future. Everyday will be better than the day before it. I have believed this since i was a child. The child within me is awakened once again to believe it, no matter how it looks like now.

I do plan on breathing in a little more sunshine, play and dig deeper into the soil of my garden with my hands feeling the earth, love and laugh a little more unreservedly with people i love and care about like there isn't a care or tomorrow more often. (well, ok ..i can always try.. ;) I will endeavor to live life as in Eckhart Toole's words, to

" Always say “yes” to the present moment. What could be more futile, more insane, than to create inner resistance to what already is? what could be more insane than to oppose life itself, which is now and always now? Surrender to what is. Say “yes” to life — and see how life suddenly starts working for you rather than against you.

And nothing ever happened in the past that can prevent you from being present now; and if the past cannot prevent you from being present now, what power does it have?"

There's always going to be a hole inside of my heart. A loss in the love i may never find again but yet, am grateful that it had been love until his last.

i am always going to be grateful for this tiny little space here where i can "air and speak my heart out" and open up this little window of my soul to let out my pain just a little each time. It has been my lifeline. Probably the only single reason for keeping my sanity intact up until now.

And here on, i am going to try on my new wings. I know i am going to be just fine.



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FRIENDS

"I believe in angels, the kind Heaven sends. I am surrounded by angels, but I call them my best friends."

---Unknown




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Do you have days that you feel this way too?

"There is a space that only you can fill and i am missing you again .."

What's yours for this look?

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Yesterday

So many years in just one yesterday..

My favorite Comment for this Post

Renee said...

Is that you and Ben dancing when you were both disguised as polar bears?

Love Renee xoxo

September 16, 2009 9:13 PM

Silver said...

Yes, Renee. How did you guess?

September 16, 2009 9:41 PM

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THAI MASSAGE

Everyday i try to do something new. Whether it's in an activity or tasting a new cuisine.. it just opens up a whole new world.

Here is one .. Thai massage, with an equally very brave friend of mine two days ago.

oil massage

"Nuat boran" is the Thai name for a type of body work native to Thailand (nuat = pressure, boran = ancient).

What is Thai massage? Thai massage is believed to have been developed by Jivaka Kumar Bhaccha, physician to Buddha, more than 2,500 years ago in India. For centuries, Thai massage was performed by monks as one component of Thai medicine.


What does Thai massage feel like?
Thai massage is more energizing and rigorous than more classic forms of massage.

Thai massage is also called Thai yoga massage, because the therapist uses his or her hands, knees, legs, and feet to move you into a series of yoga-like stretches. Muscle compression, joint mobilization, and acupressure are also used during treatment. Many people say Thai massage is like doing yoga without any work. Is that great or what?



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Tomorrow Will Be Better Than Today.

Sorrow speaks its own native language without any coaxing. Sorrow has a mind of its own and like a ghost, it never leaves me alone. It has become like fuel for my journey.

It often takes me to a very dark place. I am familiar with the darkness and finds both my pain and comfort in it. Sadness overwhelms and floods over me without any control in the long dark nights.

My soul knows no other comfort and i know that God feels my pain and sees my tears. He remains faithful to stay by my side so that i am never completely alone in this wide expanse of space in this Universe.

Loneliness is unbearable. Silence is deafening. Why God noticed to pick me to walk this path remains a mystery to my finite mind. The crack of dawn still seems so far off and i am already so weary.. but yet, i must propel and break into tomorrow. My tomorrow.

Haven't got a clue what it will be like. I just know it in my heart, that with God- there will be one. He has in mind work for me, designed just for me that I must do before my rest will finally come too.

Then i realised how very little security life can hold out for one. How just one event changes about everything. Even the best of man is but a mere breath. Vapor. A passing shadow.

I can, however, add value to it by the choices i make every day. And most of these choices that carries a certain value in each of them as i have come to realise, is not about living for oneself as is popularly believed but for others. It is no longer about chasing after the sweet taste of glory in things we can see but the reward of finding life in Life itself.



by fl

A Warm Hug Heals the Heart

If you're angry at a loved one, hug that person. And mean it. You may not want to hug - which is all the more reason to do so. It's hard to stay angry when someone shows they love you, and that's precisely what happens when we hug each other.

~Walter Anderson, The Confidence Course, 1997



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Never Break 4 Things In Our Life.

hi my very loved blogging friends,

Hope for your understanding as due to my limited access to Internet and security reasons, will have to skip the part of my vacation pictures.. that is still ongoing btw.. (yay)


Nevertheless, do know that i often thought of most of you, especially those with whom i have made a personal connection and hope all is well with you and your loved ones (pets inclusive). I will be posting but mostly in pictures from now.. let's just say, i am trying to simplify my life. Less talk even in thoughts works too for some people. (coy smile)

Stay safe always,

Silver



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Dreams

Dreams Part 2


I stopped dreaming after Ben got sick. Like I have lost even the ability to dream.. I am dying for him to visit me... like really talk to me and i could talk back with all my senses intact. Not the hallucinating sort. I do remember maybe two or three of those dreams of Ben that are in piece meal bits that they hardly made sense to me. It was too fuzzy and time too short that I never had the chance to say anything to him.





Once he sat on the couch and all i did was listen to him say he should have fought harder while all i could do was just hugged him and cry. Second dream, maybe it wasn't a dream, i saw him lying next to me and i just climbed over him, hugged him, fell asleep and that was it. The last one several weeks ago was a phone call i dreamt of receiving from him.. we were chatting about the ordinary stuff until i realised, hey-wait.. Ben didn't call this one from the 'Office' 'coz isn't he supposed to have .. So that's when i frantically almost breaking into tears, asked, "Are you coming back??? ...." and the phone just went silent.......


Maybe there was a time allocation in each visit and i had to know how to say the most important things in the shortest time? If there really was a time allocation for his visit- what should i say to him?


I know that I WILL skip all the parts that he would be sad to know.. like some of the things that had happened to me when he was called Home. I would want him to know that the boys are well and are doing great in school and College and that everything is under control. And that each time I was giving up, that each time when I ‘d felt so tired that I was quite sure i couldn’t go on, I would think of him and I will manage to push myself to complete another task in the end..


I would also want him to know that I had missed him so much, so much.. that I am so lonely without him.. and I seemed to have lost the purpose for anything at all. And that time is too long for the waiting and wish God would speed up..


i am planning to go away for a while..
(to see some new places.)


..and when i get back, i will be looking forward to visit and play catch up.




fl

Dreams

Part 1


Do you have recurring dreams or something that keeps turning up you just start to notice that it has to be more than just mere co-incidence?

Since a child, i would have all kinds of dreams. I dream almost every night. And yes, they are mostly in colour. Some dreams are like fairy tales, like stories i'd read during the day, while some are like warnings..

I have chanced upon some places that i have seen in my dreams even after many years later and swore i've been there .. but i know that is not possible because that is really the first time i am at that particular place but where this deja vu thing just fell over me.

Once i was even able to describe the images i had seen from my dreams to my cousin whom i had visited in another Country when we'd came by this red bricked building which is now a Mall but in my dream was like some kind of a vintage postcard of a hospital with rows of bed and sick people inside them. He said, well, it used to be a Hospital but that must have been like a century ago..

Most of these dreams don't make sense to me and I do hope that some of them that i still see them in my dream file in my head are just mere images that are due to just a case of going to bed with a full stomach and are not premonitions of any kind. My mom used to say overeating at supper will make one dream bad dreams, nightmares.

Dreams are strange. You arrive at places that are sometimes new and unfamiliar and places you will never dare to thread if you are awake. Like a dark alley or a quiet trek up into a rubber estate alone.

Once i found myself walking in a dark quiet alley sandwiched by the back of the rows of shop houses. Where the trash bags and filth are left out in the night. Where the life from under the sewage pipes and drains come alive. It was dark. You could even hear the drops of water dripping from a leaking pipe along it close by in the dead dark of the night.

Then i found myself being followed and the pace caught up and i found myself being chased by a dark evil image..i was afraid and soon became terrified. I ran as fast as my feet could carry me. Then i started to feel tired from running. So tired that it made me angry. I took a quick glance behind and that evil dark fear is still chasing me and getting closer. Then i stopped. It stopped too. I stared back at it and i saw all the ugliness and wickedness in it. It had no mercy and had no hesitation to destroy me.

Then i moved. I could barely say a word..it felt like a ton of steel was hooked on to the lower of my lips that it became too heavy to even utter a word, like my speech button had been meddled with by some tech bug. I used up every ounce of energy i had to utter, "In JESUS Name.." And when I said that, this dark being took one step backward.

I said it again and this time, i took a step forward moving towards it. It took another step backward, like it was afraid. This went on.. and then, i found us running again, in the chasing.

But this time, I was the one chasing it.




fl